You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
wow bdsm is so cute
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
