woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
