I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
