i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
