I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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