It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize