I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Randomize
