Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
