You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize