You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
