I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
