dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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