The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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