I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
