Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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