So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
