I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
