U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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