Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
