Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
