someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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