Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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