The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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