So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
