she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
please come you make the beer taste better
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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