OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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