just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
