I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
