I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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