just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Dick very happy bro
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
