Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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