two words: eviction party
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
