I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
