last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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