I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
