You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
