I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
