you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize