SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
