the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
