remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
