yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize