I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
