You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
