He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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