I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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