Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize