is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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