I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
