life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She even gives head with a lisp.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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