Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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