A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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