why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
