I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Randomize
