You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
