So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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