Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Your penis caused this!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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