I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
