Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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