WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize