This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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