The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
