I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
