Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
