I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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