we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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