you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Randomize
