the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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