he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
