come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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