So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize