Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize
