Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
